This morning, I sit and type in a Waffle House. Growing up, Waffle House was where my Grandma Jeanette and I would often go to breakfast when I was visiting her. I still remember the songs she would choose on the Waffle House jukebox! And the flavor of Waffle House pancakes is still very specifically delightful to my tastebuds. She was my favorite grandparent. We would go to shows together, sing together, and be creative together. I would visit her about two weekends a month and they were some of the happiest times of my childhood.

I also recall, as she neared her death, her relationship with my mother became much more contentious. Grandma Jeanette, my favorite grandparent, would say things to my mother that were so hostile, I don’t want to type them here. I witnessed the deep pain this brought up in my mother as these comments were often related to family complexities that my mother had never healed from.

Both of these truths about my Grandma Jeanette travel with me in thinking about the grief that her death brought to my life. In that grief, there has long been an understanding that one person can be complicated: both lovable and painful, and possibly a multitude of other experiences within their one personhood.

Indeed grief contains a multitude of possible understandings and inheritances as every type of grief is a bit different, each situation is different, the people involved are different, and we are different as we move through our lives. So I’ve asked some of our Pastoral Care Team to contribute some words about understandings, joys, and challenges that they have received as part of their grief journeys:

“[My loved ones who have died], I remember them always, the good and bad.”

“[It made me] compassionate for others – feeling safe to reach out to others to share my grief.”

“[It made me] realize I can’t fix everything. I have learned to walk through it and recognize I can’t comfort everyone the way they want to be comforted.”

“[It] propelled me to [a career working with others], gave me tools to be with others in grief, with loss.”

“Several feelings are still periodically triggered, [many] years later, including guilt (for appreciation and respect I don't recall voicing) and missed opportunities (discussions I would dearly love to have with him now).”

These are among the understandings and experiences we may find in our own grief.

I believe, one of the greatest blessings in grief is knowing that while it changes us as a person, we are changing and growing with it. Right after an event, it may feel very challenging. And those feelings are constantly changing as we learn to be with them and learn who we are in that new way of being. One model of discussing grief, found here, notes that it never fully goes away, but the pain becomes less frequent. In my mind, this also invites us notice all of the ways that grief impacts our life as we grow with it – the pain yes, but also the joys, the memories, the challenges, and the change it may inspire. We travel with these losses and are blessed with the opportunity to revisit and experience this heritage of grief in different ways through time.

As the season grows cooler, if you find a need for support with your grief, I welcome you to email us at . Also, if your grief is connected to the death of a loved one, ERUUF is part of a weekly meeting, Growing Thru Grief, that all are welcome to attend and be part of. It is a warm and holding place for that specific kind of grief.

Sending you holding in times of challenge, and also hopes for warm memories (like sweet waffles) as the seasons turn.